Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Forum' started by Mac Daddy, Jun 4, 2003.

  1. Markius

    Markius New Member

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    lol on the honeymoon joke! :rofl:
     
  2. WildChild

    WildChild I'm Still Watching

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    A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so
    he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he
    needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a
    book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
    He had finished the book by the time he reached his
    house.
    The man stormed into the house and walked up to his
    wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From
    now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of
    this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare
    me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
    eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
    afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me
    my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my
    bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
    "The fucking funeral director," said his wife.
     
  3. drakesteakn

    drakesteakn boo!!!!

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    :D good one Wild:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
     
  4. mainman

    mainman Mr. Nobody

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    :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: GOOD one Wild....:rofl: :rofl:
     
  5. Roadee

    Roadee Never forgotten

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    LOLOLOLOLOL.......hahahahahahaha.........hehehhehhe :rofl: :rofl:


    Damn I have no life......:hmm:
     
  6. mainman

    mainman Mr. Nobody

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    OMG!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
     
  7. tastyweat

    tastyweat Lurking

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    Austin powers chat up lines

    1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

    2. (Lick finger and wipe on her blouse) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.

    3. Nice legs... What time do they open?

    4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

    5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

    6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

    8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

    9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

    10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.

    11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

    12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

    13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

    14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

    15. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

    16. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

    17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

    18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?

    19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

    20. My name is ...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

    21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

    22. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

    23. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

    24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

    25. Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them
     
  8. tastyweat

    tastyweat Lurking

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    A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The battery and the jump leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the bar.

    The bra says to the barman "Afternoon pal, three pints of Stella please "Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you". "Why not" the bra says. "Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".
     
  9. tastyweat

    tastyweat Lurking

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    Celeb quotes

    Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
    Robin Williams.

    When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
    Author Unknown.

    "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
    Joan Rivers.

    If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
    Rodney Dangerfield.

    Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
    Steve Martin.

    "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said,' that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
    Emo Philips.

    My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
    Les Dawson.

    I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
    Woody Allen.

    "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
    Woody Allen.

    I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
    Woody Allen.

    "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz SLK 230
    convertible."
    Unknown.

    You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
    Emo Philips.

    "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
    Steven Seagal.

    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
    Robin Williams.

    "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
    Marilyn Pittman.

    "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
    Johnny Carson.

    "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
    Paul Rodriguez.

    My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
    Jerry Seinfeld.

    Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
    Oscar Wilde.

    "Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
    A Mum.

    Finally, one of the all-time best quotes: In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists
    who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic;
    Schwartzkopf said,

    "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
     
  10. tastyweat

    tastyweat Lurking

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    Funny job application

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatevers available. If I
    was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first
    place.

    DESIRED SALARY: £185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
    severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility

    SALARY: Less than i'm worth

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
    post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1.30-3.30pm, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
    intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would i be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
    TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do
    you have a car that runs?'

    HAVE YOU RECIEVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITIONS?: I may already be a
    winner of the Readers Digest Prize Draw.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in teh Bahamas with a
    fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks i'm the best thing since sliced
    bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE REST OF YOUR
    KNOWLEDGE?: No, but i dare you to prove otherwise.

    SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
     
  11. tastyweat

    tastyweat Lurking

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    Genuine Tube Announcements

    Below are genuine announcements made by tubedrivers, on the London Underground.
    To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?â€


    At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
    “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.â€


    “Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheelsâ€



    Driver: “I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train.




    “Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?†“The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.â€
    “The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won’t reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won’t reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.†“Let me start you off: “Hi, my name’s Gary how do you do?â€â€





    “Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given anyâ€.





    “Please mind the closing doors...†The doors close...The doors reopen. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors.†The doors close... “Thank you.â€




    “I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t knw when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits.â€
     
  12. tastyweat

    tastyweat Lurking

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    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

    Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son Jack.

    In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Despite her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.

    Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

    Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local newspaper announced the Schitt Happens nupitals. The Schitt - Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

    Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt.

    Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

    your sincerely,
    Crock O Schitt.
     
  13. tastyweat

    tastyweat Lurking

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    Revenge

    A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

    He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

    So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

    One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.

    "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

    "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

    "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added.

    "What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"

    The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the
    same result.

    When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks" to which the businessman replied "ok" and off they went.

    As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
     
  14. tastyweat

    tastyweat Lurking

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    1. During an hours swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.

    2. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

    3. An average persons yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

    4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects-while you slept!

    5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

    6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

    7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

    8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

    9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

    10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a firend gives you a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their faeces.
     
  15. GutterPunk

    GutterPunk I = Greatest Dood

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    interesting...... and very gross
     
  16. Markius

    Markius New Member

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    There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise.
    The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"

    They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

    :evil:
     
  17. WildChild

    WildChild I'm Still Watching

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    > A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits
    > down, a
    > man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
    > him.
    > "No," he says, "The seat is empty."
    > "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind
    > would have
    > a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event
    > in the
    > world, and not use it?"
    >
    > He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
    > to come
    > with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl
    > we
    > haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
    >
    > "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
    > find
    > someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take
    > the seat?".
    >
    >
    > The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral.
     
  18. CrazyAzorean

    CrazyAzorean New Member

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    two cannibals talkin', and one says to the other:
    see that cute girl hobbling away?
    yes.
    thats the one i've been eatin'
    ;) :lol:
     
  19. jkayca2

    jkayca2 New Member

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    A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight
    up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really
    rather find a job."

    The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is
    amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
    chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
    around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are
    provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided
    and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas
    holiday trips. The salary package starts at $200,000.00 a year with room for
    bonuses."

    The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"
    The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
     
  20. Markius

    Markius New Member

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    lol...thats a good one :D
     

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