>One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind > >him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, > >you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a > >diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and > >the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes > >ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So > >Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He > >deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine > >sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds > >later,the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your > >arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two > >weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, > >Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap > >water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and > >daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack > >hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten > >dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer > >prints the following: >1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. >2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. >3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. >4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. >5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get > >better. >Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
One day down in Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner, Bubba, tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.... "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "He's a damn liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Texas, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there, sir." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas." "No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
A cowboy rode into town and tethered his horse outside the saloon. Before going in, he lifted his horse's tail and gave it a huge kiss on its bottom. On oldtimer, sitting in his rocking chair outside the saloon, thought that this behavior was somewhat strange, and called out "Hey fellah! What are you doing that for?" The cowboy replied, "I got chapped lips." The oldtimer asked, "And you think that kissing your horse's bottom will cure chapped lips?" The cowboy replied "No, but it sure stops me licking them !
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time. When one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs, she decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes, from the second team, looks up and says, "Yeah, but youve got a driver!"
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
The Trial During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces,not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."
this was sent to me via email On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play > > together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog > > and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the > > chicken to go get the farmer for help! > > > > Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he > > searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had > > gone to town > > with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's > > new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a > > length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. > > > > Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the > > chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the > > loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to > > the rear > > bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, > > with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! > > > > Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and > > the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between > > the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. > > > > A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, > > began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse > > thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. > > > > Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he > > would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and > > the horse > > pulled him up and out, saving his life. > > > > The moral of the story? > > > > When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Southwest A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out ontime. Now your mother can explain that to you."
that was great JB heres a few more bad ones..... Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry it. Q. Why do women call it PMS? A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it :evil: :evil: :evil: there are alot worse than that but i cant post them here!
