Just to lighten the mood!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Forum' started by kinetic, Jul 22, 2002.

  1. kinetic

    kinetic Well-Known Member

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    A woman brought a very limp parrot into the veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away."

    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any tests on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on it's hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom.

    The dog looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet then took the dog away, but returned a few moments later with a cat.

    The cat jumped onto the table and also sniffed delicately at the deceased bird.

    The cat sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is 100% certifiably..... dead."

    He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
    "£200!" she cried hysterically, "just to tell me my bird is dead!!!"

    The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan..........."
     
  2. UberLord

    UberLord A Legend in Underwear

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    GROAN!!!!!
     
  3. crazy overclock

    crazy overclock Java programmer

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  4. AlternateVirus

    AlternateVirus New Member

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  5. Furious

    Furious I'm blind not deaf!!

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    Oh man!! :)
     
  6. HsuGotaQ

    HsuGotaQ Hydrogenated Dumbass

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    ROFL :D :lol:
     
  7. WyreTheWolf

    WyreTheWolf Wolfish Bastard

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    Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his
    girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by
    the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in
    the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre,
    kiss me!"
    Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on
    Marie's lips.
    "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.


    "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat,
    I have red wine!"

    She smiles and they start kissing. When things began
    to heat up a little, Marie says: "Pierre, kiss me
    lower."

    Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of
    Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.


    "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered
    Marie.

    "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white
    meat, I have white wine!"

    They resume their passionate interlude and things
    really steam up.



    Marie leans close to his ear and whispers: "Pierre,
    kiss me lower!"



    Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of

    Cognac and Pours it in her lap. He then strikes a
    match and sets it on fire.

    Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist
    deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously:


    "Pierre.....,What in Hell do you think you're doing?"


    Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says:



    "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot. If I go down, I go
    down in flames!"
     
  8. kinetic

    kinetic Well-Known Member

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    A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. Whilst supping his beer he looks around and spots a peculiar looking chap at the end of the bar with a head the size of an orange. The guy looks miserable but our chap refuses to stare so he carries on drinking his beer.

    Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him and he decides to approach the guy and ask him about his unusual head.

    "Sorry to be so rude but what is the story with your head? I mean, you've got to admit, its more than a little unusual!"

    "Well," the guy replied "it's a long story"

    "Thats alright, I'll get you a few beers as we go along"

    The guy with the orange sized head sighs and starts talking.

    "Well, it all started about 18 months ago when I went on a cruise with a few friends. I had a normal head then. We had a wonderful time sailing round the Pacific until a hurricane struck and we got wrecked. Anyway, I found myself all alone on this desert island fending for myself for what seemed an eternity. One day I spotted what I thought was a naked woman lying in the surf. Sure enough this beautiful blonde babe with seaweed all over her legs lay naked on the beach. I dragged her out of the sea and gave her the kiss of life and it was then I realised this wasn't any ordinary woman but a mermaid." He chugged another beer.

    "Well she was so grateful she granted me 3 wishes, so I came up with what I thought were 3 pretty smart wishes. One, that she should get me home. Two, enough money that I would never have to work again and three......" he paused and chugged yet another beer.

    "Well, come on what was the third wish!"

    "And three," slurred the guy, "I asked her if she would have sex with me. Anyway she blushed and said that mermaids weren't able to mate with humans as they weren't built the same way. So I say how about a little head?.............."
     
  9. skastel

    skastel Massive Happiness

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    ROFL!!!!! :lol:
     
  10. Cunnuk

    Cunnuk New Member

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    Polictics Explaned:

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the
    family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the
    money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so
    we'll call you
    the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby
    brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes
    sense,"

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
    He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

    So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
    wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

    Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with
    the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the
    concept of politics now."

    The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
    about."

    The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the
    Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in
    deep shit."
     

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