YAY it's Poetry

Discussion in 'Heavenly Visions & Echoes' started by YAYitsAndrew, Apr 1, 2007.

  1. YAYitsAndrew

    YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,572
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, and have this overwhelming urge to be read. Open to all forms of criticism.

    ---
    There is a hole labeled love.
    For three years we played the perimeter
    Occasionally stopping to glance down the hole then into each other's eyes,
    Wondering how the two seemed equal in depth.
    One day I jumped in.
    It was foolish of me,
    We should have tied a rope around our waists and climbed down together.

    Sometimes, when there are no clouds and the sun is at the right angle,
    You can look down and see me
    And wonder if I'm worth the wager.
    What you can't see, though, is that I've braced myself and have my arms open
    To catch you
    When you're ready.
     
  2. SFOSOK

    SFOSOK 939 Goin Strong

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2005
    Messages:
    7,005
    Likes Received:
    87
    Trophy Points:
    0
    to literal for my tastes.

    Needs to be more romantic and a play on words instead of so straight forward.


    Edit: Remember though the general concensus about me is that I hate everything.
     
  3. Falstaff

    Falstaff Old Codger

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2002
    Messages:
    20,553
    Likes Received:
    311
    Trophy Points:
    123
    I could see this is a ballad about the angst of youth and loves lost, it is perfectly valid and rather good.
     
  4. GutterPunk

    GutterPunk I = Greatest Dood

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2003
    Messages:
    5,950
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    58
    NOt bad, you say the love word too quick?
     
  5. YAYitsAndrew

    YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,572
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Nope, started talking marriage. We had been together for 3 years but she was just starting college. Scared her off.
     
  6. YAYitsAndrew

    YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,572
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Here's another one.

    ---
    I am seduction's rake
    And you are a green leaf in Spring.
    I spend my patience to change the seasons because
    One of them will make you realize that holding on to him is not worth the energy.
    When you land softly on the grass, I am ready to collect.
    Maybe it's my plastic smile
    Or my impressive wooden handle;
    You can't resist me.
    It is my art.
     
  7. Falstaff

    Falstaff Old Codger

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2002
    Messages:
    20,553
    Likes Received:
    311
    Trophy Points:
    123
    you should try some Haiku as well Andrew...it may be your forte..
     
  8. YAYitsAndrew

    YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,572
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Here's a haiku I wrote after I watched my roommate Marshall stomp a mouse to death in our apartment a year ago. Why do you suggest haiku?

    ---
    Don't squeak little mouse,
    Marshall's foot is swift justice
    For an unknown crime.
     
  9. [hobo]eclipse

    [hobo]eclipse ...just bummin 'round

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2004
    Messages:
    2,889
    Likes Received:
    73
    Trophy Points:
    58
    the first one is great, a visual poem if you will, i can see the whole thing played out in my mind as a short film, very simple and strait forward and true, universally. the second is cool but seems alil more personal, not bad but maybe not as meaningful for the masses, not that the masses are of any concern.......
     
  10. Falstaff

    Falstaff Old Codger

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2002
    Messages:
    20,553
    Likes Received:
    311
    Trophy Points:
    123
    I love the Haiku...
    nothing like an image...
    sorry for the mouse...
    but cats got to eat too...
     
  11. Mousey

    Mousey HH's Official Rodent

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,902
    Likes Received:
    510
    Trophy Points:
    138
    *screams*
     
  12. Vikingod

    Vikingod Int'l Fish Liaison

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2004
    Messages:
    16,226
    Likes Received:
    117
    Trophy Points:
    88
    lol @ mousey

    Nice poems; oh, the innuendo!

    I agree with Jeff, your meter lends itself to Haiku.
     
  13. YAYitsAndrew

    YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,572
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Had LOTS to write about lately... hope you find something you like. I even wrote some of them rhymin' ones cause people seem to like them.

    ---
    Someone invented a clay
    That can grow how it sees fit under accord of its own free will.
    When you mold it, it holds just long enough to let you forget why you molded it in the first place.
    During that time it sits perfectly
    Then returns to the man you started with.

    ---
    You have the choice of him or me -
    One sticky situation.
    A matter of such gravity
    Demands attenuation.
    I'll offer you a tip for free,
    Some sagely inspiration.
    My foe is not your past with he,
    It's your imagination.

    ---
    You say it's too soon:
    Hommage to some notion that love follows reason or logic.
    If it did, then by now I'd know not to fall for you this quickly.
    It's too soon.

    ---
    I'm a vacation.
    You take me for two weeks and have a great time.
    You cry a little when I'm over.
    When you get back to your real life you put photos of me in an album
    And wonder if you could have stayed longer.

    ---
    Our time together's a tease.
    Obligation betrays desire.
    I want to have secrets with you
    and make them at your lips.

    ---
    The purpose of a title is to wear it on your chest.
    Then let the people read it so that they can be impressed.
    But she is not a title, trophy, medal, plaque, or crest.
    So keep on wearing her as one and I'll punch you in the face.
     
  14. Falstaff

    Falstaff Old Codger

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2002
    Messages:
    20,553
    Likes Received:
    311
    Trophy Points:
    123
    this very emotional....
    Andrew do you have a dark side?
     
  15. YAYitsAndrew

    YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,572
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Who doesn't
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2007
  16. Falstaff

    Falstaff Old Codger

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2002
    Messages:
    20,553
    Likes Received:
    311
    Trophy Points:
    123
    that wasnt the question Mr !!!
    now go to your room...
     
  17. YAYitsAndrew

    YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,572
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Why, is she there?
     
  18. Falstaff

    Falstaff Old Codger

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2002
    Messages:
    20,553
    Likes Received:
    311
    Trophy Points:
    123
    why who is where?
     
  19. YAYitsAndrew

    YAYitsAndrew Anti-Piracy Poster Boy

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2004
    Messages:
    2,572
    Likes Received:
    27
    Trophy Points:
    0
    (How does a vase love a hammer?
    Attempts to embrace make her shatter.)
    Nice to meet you.
    I'm glue.
    And I know that you're priceless.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2007
  20. Falstaff

    Falstaff Old Codger

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2002
    Messages:
    20,553
    Likes Received:
    311
    Trophy Points:
    123
    I get that Andrew, just curious if this is unrequited love or someone real.
     

Share This Page

visited